How I Best the Beast

I hate losing. This is why I can’t play games. If I ever feel like I’m losing I panic and revert to sheer, annoying screaming in attempt to frighten and batten down the other team(s). On the other hand, if I win, I get a fat, satisfied grin on my face and chuckle deeply, gloating over my pure awesomeness. I have sent younger people to their rooms, crying, and my intensity and devotion forces older people to back out carefully as I flail madly in my gaming.

Luckily, before I reach that stage, there’s a small and crucial moment where I can sometimes reach out to my mind and flip a switch: The Switch of Languor.

It’s very handy if you still want people to like you while you are playing “a fun game”. (No such thing as a fun game. Do or die, people. Do or die. Come back with your shield or on it, as they used to say.) The magical Switch of Languor allows me to emotionally check out of the world itself while still engaging my body and face. That means I can laugh and chat and pretend to play nicely with the other kids while inside I am really shoving my zombie-fied self into a corner of my head, pinching my cheeks with one hand while my eyes glaze over, like puffy krispy kremes rolling through that glaze curtain. (Where did those go, by the way?) My other hand holds a Brain-Stun gun, freely and grimly gunning down anything that moves in my head.

“Eh? Is that Excitement wakin’ up?”

*zap* Excitement goes numb.

“Ah ha! Interest, thought ye could sneak one on meh?!?” *holds trigger down* *t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t thunk* Interest falls to the floor.

I think this particular manifestation of the Languor Switch Guard has chew in his mouth and is wearing overalls. Another one probably is wearing a frilly and visually offensive apron with a stainless steel ladle and a hairy lip presiding over her scowl.

So, this Switch of Languor allows me to fight against my competitiveness (woah, that’s ironic), and to remain a passive little player, even when my darling sister is crushing me in Rook.

But there’s something that Switch of Languor cannot help with, and that is Insecurity. Scaryyy. I’m terrified of Insecurity. He comes in and looks fat and squishy and like a total joke, but he just sits there, wearing down at your eyeballs and your throat and your mind and your heart and your dreams! Until you’re just a little mess of silk and melted makeup slumped on the floor. Insecurity eats some potato chips while he watches. But then he realizes he doesn’t even like potato chips! With a cry of immense self-pity he attempts to throw them into the air, but instead they crumble about him like sad, crunchy doves.

He’s sitting in the corner right now, judging me with eyes red from crying. I can feel it. Right now we’re commiserating because I have no special superpower skills. We’re especially sensitive about the fact that once again I have failed to complete NaNoWriMo. Ooh, yes. Even typing that one out is rubbing–, nay, dumping and tamping organic sea salt into my stinging welt of damaged pride. (Can I just say, I had great accountability people helping me, though! Thanks to you….well, I still failed, but we all know it’s not your fault.)

Sometimes Insecurity and I skip out on the real world and sit in my dorm-room, watching Adventure Time and eating fish jerky. That’s always fun. But then my violin comes and bangs on my door, making me scream quietly and throw things in the air in fear and shame. So off I go, meek and subdued to subject myself to 5 million kablingbling hours in the practice rooms.

It’s been a while since I’ve written on this here blog, and that’s mainly because I felt like I hadn’t written in a while. So then it was awkward. Like when you meet someone and you’re allowed to ask their name for the first two times you see them, but then if you forget after that you just have to pretend, and then after pretending you really can’t ask anymore because now you’ve been in five classes together and she’s your roommate. And that’s really awkward. That is why I haven’t written. Also, Insecurity told me I couldn’t. He said that my life wasn’t interesting, and that people are just being nice, and that I will never be able to make a living by blogging famously, and that there’s a guy here who has way better hair than I do so why even bother? And although these things may all be very well true…



I just defied my shrinking world with this blog post. I like boosted my health and vitality level like 4900%! And this good feeling will last me until at least the next page of my Old Testament paper! Yeah!